In each role
On my own
Sitting still is the hard part
You cannot be still. There has to be something happening or the restlessness starts, and it starts faster than most people would believe.
You are physical. Whatever the activity, the way you process anything is by moving, and that is genuinely how your recovery works rather than a preference.
You do not plan. What you do is decided that day, and occasionally that means leaving town on a Friday afternoon with no arrangements at all.
What you do not do is look at your own feelings. When something is wrong you cover it with activity, and if enough of that accumulates you end up flat for no reason you can name - and you do not go looking for the reason then either.
At their best
You move, your head clears, and nothing bad stays with you for long.
At their worst
You keep covering the feeling with the next thing rather than looking at it once.
How this gets read
You look untroubled. Some of the motion is there so you do not have to stop.
- Let's just go
- I can't sit around like this
- It's fine, it's nothing
What works here
- Recovers by moving
- Does not drag out a bad event
- Tries things without fear
Where it catches
- Cannot tolerate stillness
- Covers feelings with activity
- No plan, so things slide
What they need here
- Somewhere to burn it off physically
- One honest look at what is underneath
One thing to try
Sit and do nothing for ten minutes this week. Whatever surfaces is the real thing.
With my partner
Fun, and bad at the deep conversation
You are enjoyable to be with. There is always something to do, and boredom never gets a chance to settle in.
When something goes wrong you act. You do not sit with a problem discussing it for a fortnight, and a partner can lean on that.
But you wave away the emotional conversation. They are being serious and you joke, or tell them it is not a big deal, and what they receive is that their feeling did not count.
And when conflict runs long you leave. You go out, you do something else, you come back later - and to them that reads as avoidance, which, honestly, it partly is.
At their best
A problem appears and you act on it rather than discuss it, and they can rely on that entirely.
At their worst
They open up seriously and you make a joke of it.
How this gets read
Read as flippant, when in a real emergency you are the first one moving.
- Let's go now, then
- It's really not a big deal
- I'm going out for a bit
What works here
- Genuinely fun to be with
- Acts immediately on problems
- Does not hold onto a fight
Where it catches
- Waves away the emotional conversation
- Leaves when conflict runs long
- Bored by routine
What they need here
- Time to do the emotional conversation at all
- A way to make the ordinary week interesting
One thing to try
When they are being serious, do not joke. Listen all the way to the end, once.
At work
First to move when it is urgent
You execute fast. A long meeting is painful, your instinct is to go and try it, and consequently a result exists while everyone else is still aligning.
In a crisis you are the best person in the building. Something breaks and you are calm and already doing the right next thing.
What you skip is preparation. You start and correct, which leaves a tail, and sometimes somebody else clears it.
And repetitive work visibly drains you. Your speed drops, your face shows it, and you cannot conceal either.
At their best
While everyone is still in the meeting, you have already tried it and brought back a result.
At their worst
You start with no preparation and someone else clears up after you.
How this gets read
Read as reckless, when your read on a live situation is generally the sharpest there.
- Let's just try it
- I'll go and look
- Is this meeting going to take long
What works here
- Moves fast on execution
- Calm in a crisis
- Unafraid of failing publicly
Where it catches
- Starts without preparing
- Drains on repetitive work
- Cannot sit through long meetings
What they need here
- Freedom to try things quickly
- Someone who handles the tail
One thing to try
Spend ten minutes checking before you start next time. Those ten minutes buy back days.
As someone's kid
Shows up rather than says it
When something happens at home you are first there. The hospital, the move, the emergency at eleven at night - you go.
You are easy with your parents. You joke with them, you eat with them, none of it is stiff the way it is for a lot of people.
But you do not do the feelings conversation. When they start something serious you make it light or change the subject, and they notice every time.
And you break small arrangements. Nothing malicious - something came up - but the effect over years is that you become the child they cannot quite count on for the small things, while being the only one they can count on for the big ones.
At their best
When something serious happens you are there first, and that moment always comes.
At their worst
You keep making the serious conversation light, until they stop starting it.
How this gets read
You look like the one who takes nothing seriously. You are first through the door when it matters.
- I'll come now
- Oh, not this again
- Everything alright?
What works here
- First to move when it is serious
- Relaxed and easy with them
- Does not hold grudges
Where it catches
- Avoids the feelings conversation
- Breaks small arrangements
- Uncomfortable with a serious moment
What they need here
- Not to be pushed into words
- Arrangements confirmed rather than assumed
One thing to try
Next time they start something serious, do not change the subject.
As a parent
The one who plays outside
You play physically with your child. Out of the house, running around, trying things - they get an active childhood rather than a supervised one.
You do not make a drama of failure. They fall, they get up, and because you do not react they are not frightened of trying things in front of you.
Feelings are where you are weak. When they cry you tell them it is nothing or redirect them to something else, and a child who is told enough times that it is nothing stops mentioning it.
And consistency slips. The rule depends on the day, and they end up reading the situation instead of knowing the rule.
At their best
They get a childhood where trying something and failing costs nothing.
At their worst
It's nothing, said often enough, teaches them not to bring it to you.
How this gets read
Looks like the uninvolved parent. In your head you are making them resilient.
- Come on, outside
- It's nothing, you're fine
- Stop crying and try again
What works here
- Plays with them physically
- Does not dramatise failure
- Lets them try things
Where it catches
- Waves feelings away
- Rules change day to day
- Misses the daily logistics
What they need here
- Someone holding the rules with you
- Practice responding to a feeling
One thing to try
When they cry, do not say it is nothing. Say that sounds hard and stop there.
With my friends
The centre of the good night out
You make the fun happen. You suggest it, you get people out, and nothing you organise is ever boring.
You act for friends. Ask you for something and it is done, and if it is urgent you will come out at midnight without asking why.
What is hard is the deep conversation. A friend opens up about something painful and you suggest a drink or make a joke. That is your form of comfort, and it is frequently not the one required.
And your attention follows the current group. Whoever you are around gets all of it, and older friends slide out of contact without any decision being made about it.
At their best
It is urgent at midnight and you come out. You prove it in actions rather than words.
At their worst
A friend opens up and you cover it with a drink or a joke.
How this gets read
Read as the party friend, when you are the first one there if it is real.
- Just come out
- Let's get a drink
- I'll sort that for you
What works here
- Actually turns up
- Makes the occasion enjoyable
- Solves what a friend asks for
Where it catches
- Struggles with the deep conversation
- Attention follows whoever is nearest
- Substitutes a joke for comfort
What they need here
- One friend you can go deep with
- A reason to re-contact the older ones
One thing to try
When a friend opens up, do not suggest a drink. Listen for ten minutes.